Theos-Talk Archives (April 2005 Message tt00740)

Welcome Niki. You seem to be versatile. I can understand your sorrow. 
Theosophy if understood properly can make life very happy. I would 
recommend you listen this audio.
http://www.anandgholap.net/Audio-To_Those_Who_Mourn-CWL.htm

Anand Gholap

--- In theos-talk@yahoogroups.com, "Anika Kinnara Durand" 
<nikidurand@y...> wrote:
> 
> 
> Hi Everybody-
> 
> Cass Silva introduced me to this group, and here I am! I wanted to 
introduce myself to 
> everyone. My life has taken some dramatic turns, but I'll do my 
best to keep my intro 
> from being novel length!
> 
> I'm a 43 year old woman, a double Gemini with a Scorpio moon, 6'0" 
tall, hazel eyes, 
> with long brunette hair. I'm a former gymnast, very athletic. I am 
a musician (Guitar, 
> bass, vocals, percussion), graphic artist and architectural & 
interiors designer. I love 
> to cook, chat with friends, love romance and children. I have a cat 
named BG, who's 8 
> years old, and very amazing. I adore nature, am an 
environmentalist, and am in 
> between careers. I'm thinking of opening a school for children, or 
inventing a new 
> way to create affordable housing...or both...or maybe something 
else!
> 
> I live for love, and am best in a dynamic, lively relationship. For 
the last 8 years, I was 
> in the most incredible relationship in a lifetime of great ones. I 
met Dionne on 28 
> April 1997, and it was love at 1st sight for us both. I moved into 
her Hollywood 
> bungalow 2 months later. Within the 1st year we had traveled to 
Europe (Greece: 
> Athens, the isle of Santorini and Crete) for the 1st time, started 
a fabulous rock band, 
> advanced both our careers tremendously, and shared a deep, cosmic 
love.
> 
> 3 years later we were set to be married, on the 9th of September 
2000. On 30 March 
> that year, Dionne was wrapping up her 1st (lots of 1sts for us!) 
architectural photo 
> shoot and she was struck by a car while loading her truck. The 
impact was sudden 
> and violent, so much so that the Lupus she was in remission with 
came back, along 
> with Fibromyalgia and neurological damage. 
> 
> Our wedding was spectacular, at a Chumash sacred site, and our 
honeymoon in 
> Hawai'i was dreamy, perfect- just like our love! However, by 
December that year she 
> experienced muscle wasting, and lost all her long, lovely hair (I 
shaved my head with 
> her, so she wouldn't be alone). 2001 was a bad, bad, year. Her 
health and body 
> continued to waste away rapidly, and on Friday the 13th in July, I 
had to admit her 
> into Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. She was in for 3 weeks, and when 
she wrote a letter 
> to have her doctor release her, was near death. She weighed 95 lbs. 
when she went in 
> and 82 lbs. when she was released.
> 
> I left my career to care for her, in mid-August, 2001. We were 
awarded a very nice 
> settlement the next year, and moved to Ojai, nestled in the 
mountains outside of LA. 
> Her health continued to improve, slow but steady. It was a hard 
journey yet she 
> always managed to smile amidst great pain. I often cried myself to 
sleep, as I suffered 
> along with her. She was an extraordinary human being and taught me 
a lot about 
> what life truly is...
> 
> This year we were convinced she was going to finally get back in 
remission and things 
> looked very good. Her weight was 112 lbs.- only 3 under normal- her 
hair was 
> growing back, the lupus rash was subsiding and she was getting her 
libido back 
> (yay!).
> 
> On the 1st of February, I ran some errands, and talked to her on 
the way home. When 
> I came home I called out to her. When she didn't answer, I checked 
in on her in the 
> bedroom. I found her on the floor in the bathroom, lying down on 
her back. I 
> immediately went to her and found she had no pulse, nothing. I 
called the 
> paramedics, and an hour later they pronounced her deceased. The 
next day, the 
> coroner determined the cause to be an aneurysm to the right side of 
her brilliant 
> brain. She was 48...
> 
> Life has been very surreal since then. I now know how someone can 
die of grief, 
> alone, and was surprised some mornings that I was still alive. I'm 
getting better a 
> little every day, although rare is the day I don't cry at least 
once...
> 
> We were/are soulmates. She appeared to me the night of her passing, 
as a 
> shimmering column of light that became a ballerina. She told me 
that all I have to do 
> is live my life the way we did and she would be the 1st person to 
greet me on the 
> other side. I've had many "teachings" from her since then, and last 
week as I lay down 
> for a nap I felt her at the side of the bed, and she stroked my 
hair...
> 
> I told her I couldn't do this alone. One day a girlfriend, Babetta, 
came over, and we 
> talked and talked. When she had to go, a simple "goodbye" kiss 
became a lot more 
> than that! A month later, yesterday in fact, we are talking about 
living together! And 
> we share very profound feelings for each other that is fast 
becoming a very profoud 
> love. I am very, very blessed! And she's had contact with Dionne as 
well! It's a celestial 
> lovefest here!
> 
> Anyways, that's about it, I guess...
> 
> I hope this doesn't take too long to read!
> 
> Love and Chocolate, 
> 
> Niki Durand