Theos-Talk Archives (April 2005 Message tt00736)

Hi Everybody-

Cass Silva introduced me to this group, and here I am! I wanted to introduce myself to 
everyone. My life has taken some dramatic turns, but I'll do my best to keep my intro 
from being novel length!

I'm a 43 year old woman, a double Gemini with a Scorpio moon, 6'0" tall, hazel eyes, 
with long brunette hair. I'm a former gymnast, very athletic. I am a musician (Guitar, 
bass, vocals, percussion), graphic artist and architectural & interiors designer. I love 
to cook, chat with friends, love romance and children. I have a cat named BG, who's 8 
years old, and very amazing. I adore nature, am an environmentalist, and am in 
between careers. I'm thinking of opening a school for children, or inventing a new 
way to create affordable housing...or both...or maybe something else!

I live for love, and am best in a dynamic, lively relationship. For the last 8 years, I was 
in the most incredible relationship in a lifetime of great ones. I met Dionne on 28 
April 1997, and it was love at 1st sight for us both. I moved into her Hollywood 
bungalow 2 months later. Within the 1st year we had traveled to Europe (Greece: 
Athens, the isle of Santorini and Crete) for the 1st time, started a fabulous rock band, 
advanced both our careers tremendously, and shared a deep, cosmic love.

3 years later we were set to be married, on the 9th of September 2000. On 30 March 
that year, Dionne was wrapping up her 1st (lots of 1sts for us!) architectural photo 
shoot and she was struck by a car while loading her truck. The impact was sudden 
and violent, so much so that the Lupus she was in remission with came back, along 
with Fibromyalgia and neurological damage. 

Our wedding was spectacular, at a Chumash sacred site, and our honeymoon in 
Hawai'i was dreamy, perfect- just like our love! However, by December that year she 
experienced muscle wasting, and lost all her long, lovely hair (I shaved my head with 
her, so she wouldn't be alone). 2001 was a bad, bad, year. Her health and body 
continued to waste away rapidly, and on Friday the 13th in July, I had to admit her 
into Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. She was in for 3 weeks, and when she wrote a letter 
to have her doctor release her, was near death. She weighed 95 lbs. when she went in 
and 82 lbs. when she was released.

I left my career to care for her, in mid-August, 2001. We were awarded a very nice 
settlement the next year, and moved to Ojai, nestled in the mountains outside of LA. 
Her health continued to improve, slow but steady. It was a hard journey yet she 
always managed to smile amidst great pain. I often cried myself to sleep, as I suffered 
along with her. She was an extraordinary human being and taught me a lot about 
what life truly is...

This year we were convinced she was going to finally get back in remission and things 
looked very good. Her weight was 112 lbs.- only 3 under normal- her hair was 
growing back, the lupus rash was subsiding and she was getting her libido back 
(yay!).

On the 1st of February, I ran some errands, and talked to her on the way home. When 
I came home I called out to her. When she didn't answer, I checked in on her in the 
bedroom. I found her on the floor in the bathroom, lying down on her back. I 
immediately went to her and found she had no pulse, nothing. I called the 
paramedics, and an hour later they pronounced her deceased. The next day, the 
coroner determined the cause to be an aneurysm to the right side of her brilliant 
brain. She was 48...

Life has been very surreal since then. I now know how someone can die of grief, 
alone, and was surprised some mornings that I was still alive. I'm getting better a 
little every day, although rare is the day I don't cry at least once...

We were/are soulmates. She appeared to me the night of her passing, as a 
shimmering column of light that became a ballerina. She told me that all I have to do 
is live my life the way we did and she would be the 1st person to greet me on the 
other side. I've had many "teachings" from her since then, and last week as I lay down 
for a nap I felt her at the side of the bed, and she stroked my hair...

I told her I couldn't do this alone. One day a girlfriend, Babetta, came over, and we 
talked and talked. When she had to go, a simple "goodbye" kiss became a lot more 
than that! A month later, yesterday in fact, we are talking about living together! And 
we share very profound feelings for each other that is fast becoming a very profoud 
love. I am very, very blessed! And she's had contact with Dionne as well! It's a celestial 
lovefest here!

Anyways, that's about it, I guess...

I hope this doesn't take too long to read!

Love and Chocolate, 

Niki Durand