Theos-Talk Archives (July 1998 Message tt00100)

Having read many of the postings regarding Alan Bain's situation,
I've reached the point where I'd like to make a few comments of my
own.

The situation might be called "Bob's Problem" since everything is
centered about his reaction to the real possibility of having to
move.  Alan has indicated that Bob, his roommate, cannot handle a
move, and may take his life, or kill someone, or go crazy.

There are a number of players in this situation.

First is Bob himself. In the final analysis, he has to take
responsibility for his life, and learn to cope with change. He
needs to heal himself, learn to change and grow, and over time
work on serious psychological problems. In order to remain
functional, and not end up institutionalized, he needs to take
care of himself, drawing on help from others, but not giving up on
trying to direct his own life, within the parameters set by his
personal karma.

Then comes Alan. Alan has been warned that he'll have to be
moving, and has a roommate with serious problems. Alan needs to
define his relationship with that roommate, Bob, to decide to what
extent he will be friend, guardian, healer, protector, and parent
to him. Is Bob Alan's dependent? Alan needs clarity of mind and
heart regarding what to do, especially if things don't work out
the way he hopes.

A third player in this drama is Alan's landlord, perhaps an
individual, or maybe a family, the owner of the farm where he
rents a house. We might ask the question: Is Bob a dependent of
Alan's? With regard to the landlord, we could ask the same
question: Are Bob and Alan dependents of the family owning the
farm? If you had a house to rent, and you rent it to a handicapped
person, do you undertake special responsibilities to them,
responsibilities above and beyond the normal rules regarding
renting out your property? I didn't notice anything regarding
wrong-doing by the landlord in any of the postings. The two-months
notice to move is better than many people have in the USA, where
if someone goes off a lease, they're on month-to-month notice, and
could be asked to move upon 30-day's notice.

The fourth player in this drama are the members of the
theosophical mailing lists, people having read and reacted to
Alan's plea for help. The reactions have been varied. As I read
some of the postings I wonder how much people really feel what
they write. It's fairly important to be consistent in what one
says and what one does in life. One's words and actions should be
in accord. How many who have eagerly advocated "give generously!"
have actually written a $500 or $1000 check to Alan? If one's
generosity is limited to *encouraging others to give*, then it's
questionable. A compassion that calls on others to give while
giving nothing oneself is a fraud, a pretense. One should not hold
others to a higher standard than one holds oneself.

This does not mean that everyone is in the position of giving
money. And it doesn't mean than money is the solution to Bob's
problem. Perhaps he'll kill himself, or a neighbor, or go insane
anyway; or perhaps it's dealing with the forced move that leads

him to some soul searching than puts his feet on the path to
recovery? Who can tell? I don't know enough of the situation
to have a clear intuition, but get the feeling that money won't
make things better; there may be more problems here that meet the
eye. Alan's concept of a solution to the problem is raising the
money to buy the farm so that they can continue to live there.

Someone with psychological problems may feel helpless, unable to
cope with the world, and may lean heavily on people about him/her.
That person may compensate for the feeling of powerlessness by
trying to control people about them, using threats of suicide,
etc. to make people do what they want. I can't really tell if this
is happening now, if Bob is doing this, but it takes us back to
Alan's basic need: clarity of mind and heart, leading to a knowing
what the right thing to do is, regardless of how things turn out
(e.g. whether he gets the money or not, whether he finds a good
place to move to or now, whether he wants to continue living with
Bob or not, whether Bob actually needs to be institutionalized or
not, etc.)

I admire people that freely give help to others in need. I also
hold in high regard those with insight, with the ability to see
into the minds and hearts of others and know what is right to do,
something that goes way beyond simply giving others, like Bob,
what they say they want. Bob needs to face life, and realize that
life is change and it's not always what he may want. Alan needs to
define his responsibilities towards and relationship with Bob.
Alan's landlord needs to accommodate Alan and Bob as much as
possible. (Perhaps he could sell with the provision that Alan and
Bob be given a fresh 6-month tenancy with the new landlord?) And
we on the theosophical lists need to keep our mouths and hearts in
sync, only talking about compassion to the extent that we actually
practice it. (There are, though, different was of showing
compassion, one of which includes establishing an understanding, a
sympathy, a rapport, even when one is not in a position to take
appropriate action; taking the time to read about, dwell on, and
share one's insights on the problem is a form of helping, since
one could much more easily blow it away with the <DELETE> key.)

-- Eldon