Theos-Talk Archives (February 2005 Message tt00088)

Thought this might bring a few smiles to the Aussies in the group.
Cass

Subject: Fw: We are Australian




We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the 
occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of 
us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in 
the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we 
bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States. 

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in 
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, 
grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose 
chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they 
think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet. 


Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, 
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital 
Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of 
it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their 
cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. 

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the 
family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an 
extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the 
sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, 
which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. 

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of 
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where 
else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in 
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the 
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One 
drivers to sleep at the wheel. 

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main 
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, 
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was 
the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work 
there in the government and business. 

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, 
sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, 
and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption 
of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium 
content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of 
our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to 
flyover it on our way to Bali. 

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a 
document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting 
that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect 
the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. 

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better. 

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous 
twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united 
in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we 
leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us 
Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed 
that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a 
million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that 
we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. 

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right 
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem 
(so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We 
love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a 
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. 

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like 
cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and 
horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the 
worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a 
pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in 
Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or 
cameras but chain the pens to the desk. 

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea 
and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed 
minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it. 

I am, you are, we are Australian! 

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National 
Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction! 

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2005. 


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