Theos-Talk Archives (September 2008 Message tt00422)

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. 
  
Please keep in mind that your responses will be completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity? 

__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls 
__ Online
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__Other (specify): ____________ _________ _________

 2. Which model deity did you acquire? 

__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pack]
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pack]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pack]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ Burning shrubbery
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
__ No, all of the above are false gods

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

 __ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: 

__ Not eternal 
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all  creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Michael Jackson)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ When beseeched, does not stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
__ No burning shrubbery

What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. 

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Shit was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it. 
  
  
5. Have you ever worshipped a false deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. 

__ Mick Jagger
__ Cthulhu
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left-Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__ Saddam Hussein
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other: ____________ _________ ____

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. 

__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ ESPN Sportscenter
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering Around a Desert
__ Insurance Policies
__ Prince Charles
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Teletubbies
__ Other:______ _________ ______
__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you refer (circle one)? 

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what' s Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 his handling of the following: (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent) :

A. Disasters:


Flood 1 2 3 4 5
Famine 1 2 3 4 5
Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
War 1 2 3 4 5
Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
Plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Birth of Ken Starr 1 2 3 4 5
Birth of Bill Gates 1 2 3 4 5
Titanic (the movie only) 1 2 3 4 5

B. Miracles:


Rescues 1 2 3 4 5
Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
Stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
Crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
Walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Victoria's Secret models 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet or notebooks if necessary)




  
  
  
  


The philosopher has never killed any priests, whereas the priest has killed a great many philosophers. 

 -- Denis Diderot, Observations on Drawing Up of Laws (1774)


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