Farce on "Lives of Alcyone"
Oct 01, 2006 05:23 AM
by Mark Jaqua
Farce on "Lives of Alcyone"
Although long, I thought I'd send in this
Farce from the 1920's Australian theosophical
Magazine "Dawn" on Leadbeater's book of the
various reincarnations of neo-theosophists
"The Lives of Alcyone." (Including CWL's
famous "sin-twister" for getting rid of
unwanted karma!)
- jake j.
---------
HUMORESQUE
It was the sacred month of Yam, in the year 24,872, after the engulfing of Atlantis in the time of this, our fifth sub-race of the great fifth root-race. On the bosom of the ocean darkness lay like a sable mantle, for it was midnight and the moon was in the shadow. Near the month of a mystic river, unsullied by the gaze of earth's profane, a ship rode at anchor, her sails set, and stirring in the summer breeze. At just the hour of twelve a bell, low, vibrant, rang out across the water, and instantly a little boat, in which were three shrouded figures, pushed out from shore. No one saw, save a solitary watcher standing motionless at the prow of the anchored vessel.
"'Tis well, they come." he murmured. The little boat drew near. Without a word the three figures instantly mounted the ship's ladder and joined the silent watcher.
This was no ordinary group of individuals, and this was no commonplace meeting, for each person, though of an entirely different type, seemed to vibrate with the fire of one intense purpose. They were none other than the Sacred Quadrangle, Keepers of the Eseehe Ittegaps.
Trebmemac, the Silent Watcher, agile, sensitive, alert, raised his hand in greeting.
"Hail. Ztnarkredeil! faithful server of the Eggbeaters; and thou, Trofeuqcor; and thou, Regrubmil; Sisters of the Eseehe Ittegaps; hail! hail!"
"Hail, Trebmemac! Brother of the Sacred Quadrangle. All honor to thy August Benigness," replied the three. Trofeuqcor, the taller and more stately of the two women, spoke. "The Lords of Amrak have decreed that once again the Sacred hour shall be called together to protect and provide for their eternal charges, the faithful band of Eggbeaters. Speak, Trebmemac, for the Lords of Amrak have made thee their messenger."
"Yea, proceed, Brother Trebmemac," said Ztnarkredeil in deep, low tones.
"Thou knowest," began Trebmemac, "that we, the keepers of the Eseehe Ittegaps, have not been called to earth since the year 179,463 B.C., at the time of the inundation of Pous Naeb, of the continent of Tuarkruas From the innermost recesses of Devachan we have been brought, for the Lords of the Eeaf Krad have sent forth their hosts, and we must indeed make sure that our charges shall be provided with safe passage to other planes; otherwise they perish with earth's profane."
"Ugh," shuddered Regrubmil, the slight, dark woman of the four, "mention not the pariah. It gives me feels."
"You know that this tie which we endure with these our younger brothers, the Eggbeaters," continued Trebmemac, "was made on the planet Venus, when we were all amoeba in the paleozoic ooze. Some splashing dipthoogerm with hulking tread, stepped heavily upon us, stamping us into the underlying mud. To this day our mortal remains lie petrified in the footprint of the monster. Until that form is destroyed and our shells released, we shall be bound to the Eggbeaters, ever responsible for their safety.
"Thou speakest truly, Brother," said Ztnarkredeil, "so let us execute the will of the Lords of Amrak. "
Turning to Trofeuqcor, Trebmemac said solemnly, "The hour has come. Produce the Ancient Bones.'' Whereupon Trofeuqcor, drawing a shining metal case from her bosom, took from it three round bones; the bones of the left hind foot of the faithful mastodon that had borne the Reverend Fudgewood across the frontiers of Atlantis on his ministerial journeyings. A breath of satisfaction escaped from the lips of all. Instantly the sails filled to bursting, the anchor raised itself and slipped noiselessly upon the deck. Quicker than thought the vessel sped over the waves, coming to rest in the limpid waters of a southern sea.
Ztnarkredeil spoke. "Proceed, Brother Trebmemac," he said. Trebmemac then produced a small tin-can fastened to a long string. This he cast overboard, filled it with water, and raised it again to the deck. With great reverence he offered it to Trofeuqcor, who immediately dipped her right forefinger into it.
"The water, Sister, is it wet?" asked Trebmemac.
"It is, August One," answered Trofeuqcor.
"And salt?"'
"To the last drop, Benign One."
"Enough! Thou hast reasoned well. This is the sacred spot!"
"Hush," said Regrubmil, "for I feel." The Quadrangle remained motionless, waiting, and watching intently Regrubmil's arms, for the flesh was quivering. "It is well," she murmured at last, "we are now directly over the Sunken City of Pous Naeb. Let us summon the silent watchers below, our Brothers of the Order of the Rats in the Yeast."
Almost instantly there rose out of the watery deluges, the High Priests of the Sunken City. Surrounded they were by a glowing vapor so that the moisture of the sea affected them not at all. Quickly they came toward the Sacred Four, but Ztnarkredeil, with imperious gesture, cried, "Hold, Brothers of the Order of the Rats in the Yeast, there is the smell of fish on you."
"Just a school of blues, oh, August One,''' assured Srekcare Tun, the eldest Brother of the Order, "A school of blues which we passed through as we rose on the wings of the ether. Fear not; our vows are inviolate. We taste no flesh."
"Then 'tis well." said Trebmemac, "we can proceed immediately to business. We have come together once again, in keeping with our ancient custom, and in obedience to the Lords of Amrak, for the welfare of our younger brothers, the Eggbeaters is endangered. You who have sworn to be faithful to the Eseehe Ittegaps have had entrusted to you the futures of these brothers. We have come to hear thy report. But first must we summon them into the presence of this mighty company, for thereby their evolution will be greatly hastened. Trofeuqcor, the call!"
Whereupon the statuesque Trofeuqcor sent forth over the waters a note that sounded like the humming of bees on the wheat fields of Venus. "Hark, they come," said Trebmemac. And silently, one by one, they came wrapped in deepest slumber, and stood at the feet of the Sacred Four.
When they were all assembled there was a flourish without, and lo, in their very midst there materialized the awesome form of Zincwhacker, greatest of seers, carrying his faithful telescope for reading the Ashcana, and followed by his Sin Twister, the Mystic Einna. After saluting reverently the Sacred Four, they greeted lovingly their Brother Rats in the Yeast. With imperious mein, Einna then turned to the Eggbeaters, "Awake, oh ye that slumber!" she cried in trumpet tones.
A general stampede followed, but order was quickly regained as they appeared to be easily controlled. Then Ztnarkredeil, stepping forward, addressed them thus:
"You have been privileged to appear in this eminent assembly because of the tie that exists between you and the Sacred Quadrangle. Know that at one time we were all amoeba in the mud of Venus. In some way, by fair means or foul, we got the drop on you and won the first heat. Thus you have been given into our charge, so that in the days of terror that are to come upon the earth you may he spared the fate that awaits the rest of humanity. You will be conveyed to other spheres by the Brothers of the Order of the Rats in the Yeast. You will now bear the fates that await you."
Intense silence followed, Srekcare Tun, High Priest of the Order, solemnly approached the Eggbeaters. In his hands he held a tablet of pure gold, from which he read as follows:
"C. A. Jinrickey, faithful server of the simple-minded we have secured for you a commission to organize group-souls for the nut trees at Shanty Bunkshooter, the Headquarters of the Order or the Rats in the Yeast, and we have so arranged with the Lords of Amrak that these trees shall individualize into lush, vigorous Rats in the Yeast in their next incarnations."
"Unsurpassable," murmured the Quadrangle. while C.A. Jinrickey was nearly overcome.
"Solace Heavens Daily," announced the High Priest, "For you is building a hall where you may speak without interruption for a thousand years. At the end of this period you will have suficient time - and ouija boards - to complete your great works, 'Shooting the Shoots to Adeptship,' and 'Who's Who on Jupiter, or How to Get On the Inside Track.'"
Roarington the Silent was the next addressed. The tense throbbing pause that followed was broken by the voice of Trebmemac, uttering these unwhispered secrets:
"They'll give him an island in the sea
Where he shall reign eternally;
With Merrie Hoots for his queen bee
There'll be a busy hive for the X.Y.Z."
"Hodge-podgers, martyred one," said the High Priest tenderly, "there is a book concern and lecture hall complete, being prepared for you on Saturn, with a rule inviolate that it costs one dollar to get in, and two to get out. No questions will be allowed after the lecture. This will give you plenty of time to sell your books and count the collection. Unlike your colleagues, who seem to be inclined to lecture in petticoats, you will appear in running pants. This will facilitate your passing back and forth from book table to collection box." Here the voice of Trebmemac was once more heard chanting:
"They thrice did offer him a kingly crown,
Which he did thrice refuse."
"What, refused?'' came in anguished unison from the Eggbeaters. "Brothers," replied Trebmemac, reassuringly. "When darkness and silence reign o'er all, and the august backs are turned - he'll grab it!"
"Resume, Srekcare Tun," ordered Ztnarkredeil.
"Stooper, thou of the chameleon ancestry, the Lords of Amrak decree that in return for thy ceaseless yearning to be of service, thou shall be installed as a most powerful reflector to light the long, dark night on Venus. Thou art particularly fitted to fill this office because of certain special characteristics of thy noble dome, it having proved itself adamantine in quality and at the same time capable of unlimited extension."
"To Irondale," continued a younger Rat in the Yeast, "we have given complete charge of the twenty-seven expert stenographers who wait on the immortals words or Zincwhacker, the Mighty Seer. This is a most difficult position, as great care has to he exercised in deciding just which of his teachings are fit to he shared with those of our younger brothers
who are still under the malignant influence of the intellect." At the word "intellect" a shuddering gasp of horror broke from the Eggbeaters, but the young priest continued solemnly:
"The last of our brothers to receive the decree of the Order of the Rats in the Yeast is Potson. But as he has a peculiar bit of Karma to pay first, we will reserve this reading until the next manvantara. He is, as you all do know, the manufacturer of canned nut foods, and we find that one day his foot will slip and he will get canned by mistake. At just this time the continent of America will be inundated, so he will stay canned for many aeons."
"Noble brothers," said Ztnarkredeil, thinking that the priests had completed their report, "your judgment is without flaw. But there is one thing more. What of our remaining brother Eggbeaters, those who have not stood out from the mass by some supreme act of service as have these of whom you have spoken, but who have served us without flinching through many lives? What of them?"
"Ah, thou remindest me well," answered Srekcare Tun. "Be assured, our faithful brothers, the Eggbeaters are well provided for. They were but reserved for the last. For them awaits au especially serene future. They will pass into the Hall of Oblivion of the Intelligence, and here they will rest, undisturbed until the early rounds of a new planet. Thus will they be spared the humiliation of developing the mental body." So saying, the noble priest stepped back, rejoining the group.
"One little matter, by your permission," said a voice from the crowd. "I wish to make an important announcement. Mr. Gloster Failey, who is now at liberty, has procured a paper mill, a printing press, and a branch post office. Anyone wishing to pamphleteer the Eggbeaters can now benefit by the services of this efficiency expert."
By this time it was noticed that the fumes of the magic punk, burning throughout the ship, were becoming too strong for some of the younger souls. Zincwhacker stepped forward impessively, and brought all back to attention. He was about to reveal to them a most arcane secret, when a messenger appeared, announcing that there had arrived of board a disciple named Nartim with an appeal to Einna. The Mystic eyed him suspiciously. But, as the gaze of the Eggbeaters was upon her, she said - after a pause - "Admit him." The messenger withdrew, reappearing immediately, followed by Nartim. With dignity the disciple advanced, saluted his leader, dropped upon one knee, unrolled a scroll and read as follows:
"Most Excellent Einna: For many years we have been your trusted servants. We have never failed you. In silence we have done your bidding. It has been enough that you have condescended to bid. But now, certain extenuating circumstances make it necessary that we should speak and tell you that which we and many of the assembled Eggbeaters do know. There is an evil that demands your immediate attention. It is common knowledge that Zincwhacker for some time has been leading a double life. While demanding from us the strictest vegetarianism, he has repeatedly been seen by us and by members of our families indulging in pigs' feet and hotdogs. This is indeed discouraging for those of us who for years have striven to use Potson's nut foods as stepping stones to perfection, and we protest - "
With a commanding gesture, Einna stopped him. "Little brother, speak no more. Your breath is wasted." Turning to the Eggbeaters, she said: "Friends, you know me well. In all these years you have never caught me in it falsehood. This story that you have just heard is the same old yarn spun by our enemies, the Lords of the Eeaf Krad, who have pursued us through fourteen planetary chains. Our younger brother, Nartim, has fallen into their trap. Judge him not harshly, for he is not yet quite ready for this unique work for which we have been chosen. So Nartim, my brother, for your own good it will be necessary for me to relieve you of the work with which I entrusted you, and drop you from the evolution of this planet. Zincwhacker, it pains me much that you should be once again subjected to this humiliation. I hereby appoint you Governor-General of the Eggbeaters."
Zincwhacker, rising immediately to the occasion, saluted his Sin Twister reverently, and addressed his subjects thus:
"It seems fitting that I should take this opportunity to reveal to you the special arrangement we have made for you with the Lords of Amrak. We are allowed, before you return to your beds and bodies, to give you a short instruction in some of our deeper teachings."
"Soft, soft! My brother," exclaimed Einna, stepping forward. "Remember you must first ask their permission, as we never seek to influence our followers in any way."
"Ah, Sister, your words are verily words of wisdom. But it is meet that you should ask them." So Einna turned to the Eggbeaters and said simply, "Choose as you will. Refuse if you dare." Eagerly they rushed forward and strove to touch the hem of her garment. "It is well," she murmured. Then, raising her voice, she again addressed her followers: "The book which will be used in this class is 'A study in Unconsciousness,' which may be secured from Hodge-Podgers for the nominal sum of fifteen dollars a copy." No limbs were broken in the rush that followed, owing partly to Hodge-Podgers' experience in swaying simple-minded assemblies. So
Einna continued: "And for teacher, who more fitting than Dr. Swallow, the Hook from Hollownoise"'
Loud exclamations of joy were uttered from the Eggbeaters, who, books in hand, were already arranging themselves on the floor in the outline of a dollar bill, except the few unfortunate ones who, less limber from repeated incarnations in the West, had to have chairs.
The class was about to begin, when a loud scuffle and a piercing cry came from the cabin. Out rushed Mrs. Howell, dragging a lustily wailing infant. "Henry, behave!" she screamed, seating herself in the outline with the baby in her lap. Turning to Dr. Swallow the Hook, she remarked apologetically. "The Colonel is so restless."
When order was resumed, the Hollownoise Doctor began: "The chapter in 'A Study in Unconsciousness,' which I will expound tonight, relates to the transmitting properties of the Ashcana in regard to the caloritie bovinity of the caustic bottom." Already the Eggbeaters were deeply impressed, and Dr. Swallow the Hook, passing over some minor details, came to the great occult axiom:
"THOUGHT TRAVELS FOUR TIMES FASTER."
The Eggbeaters were by now breathless with expectation. The Doctor, wishing to make sure that they would bring it through to their waking consciousness, repeated impressively, "Thought travels four times faster." He was about to proceed when a timid voice came from the disciples asking, "Four times faster than what?" Amazement held the group. The Doctor looked at the questioner a moment in utter blank astonishment, then said, "I am sure I misunderstood you. Will you please repeat your question?" The disciple, undaunted, asked again, "What is it that thought travels four times faster than?" The Doctor's brow darkened. "That is not for you to enquire," he replied, "it is sufficient for you to know that thought travels four times faster." "But," persisted the disciple, "the statement as it stands is meaningless. I think - " But at the word "think" a terrible cry arose from the group. "He thinks! he thinks! the scoundrel! throw him overboard! tell Einna on
him!" came in outraged exclamations from
the faithful Eggbeaters, while they rushed upon and surrounded the struggling man. Trembling in every limb, pleading for mercy, utterly cowed in mind and spirit, the unfortunate thinker was dragged before the august Tribunal.
Ztnarkredeil, priest of the Eseehe Ittegaps, came forware. "What means this riot?" he thundered.
"He thinks, he thinks, he dares to think!" piped a soprano-voiced little man in the front row. "Thinks?" exclaimed Ztnarkredeil, incredulously, "with what? I did not know that there was the remotest part of an atom of brain left in the whole host of the Eggbeaters. "Well," he demanded. "what if he does think?"
"Why, your August Benigness, can't you see?" screamed the little man, who was now beside himself with righteous indignation, "as long as this man lives, he will be a constant menace to our beloved teachers." The shrieks of "Villain! Blackguard! Devil! Fiend!" rose higher, and Einna herself, seeing that the mob was getting beyond the control of Ztnarkredeil, swept majestically forward and took the deck. Intense silence immediately followed. With utmost compassion she stooped over the prostrate form, raising the disciple to his feet. "What has he done that you would destroy him?" she said in gentle tones. "Remember that he is our younger brother, and ours is the privilege to serve and uplift him by giving him only love and forgiveness in exchange for his hatred and malice. What has he done?" she repeated.
In awed accents one of the more daring Eggbeaters ventured to speak the hateful word in the high presence of the Mystic Einna. "He thinks." said the Eggbeater.
With a mighty cry of horror Einna thrust the culprit from her. "The one unpardonable sin," she exclaimed. "Overboard with him!"
A splash, a cry, a gurgle, and all was over. Sadly Einna approached the rail. With utmost tenderness she looked into the black abyss and whispered. "Alas, my brother, how gladly would I have served you, had you but allowed me."
"Silence all," suddenly ordered Zincwhacker, "let us meditate of Justice, for I see scales." Quiet fell upon the group, and in ecstasy the Eggbeaters concentrated until they became cross-eyed. "Ah, it has passed," sighed Zincwhacker, "it was my little brother, the haddock."
"Oh, he is so psychic," murmured Stooper sympathetically, "and what is more," he added, lowering his voice, "he is fast approaching Godhood. I know this, for I once spent a whole afternoon in his company, and as I am probably the only person in the world who has this knowledge, I feel it my duty to inform you of it." With these words he turned to C.A. Jinrickey. "Have you completed the placecards?" he asked, "that our dear Teacher requested you to paint for our coming convention?" Whereupon C.A. Jinrickey, manifesting great pride,
produced four signs, brilliantly lettered in black and gold. They read as follows:
- First Aid to Clairvoyant Research
- We Carry a Full Stock of Dime Novels
- Reputations Vulcanized While You Wait
- Guaranteed to Stand Up Under Heavy Pressure
- Bishops Frocked on Order
- Unfrocked Clergymen Reinstated at Moderate Rates
- (Payments on Installment Plan if Desired)
- Why Evolve?
- Let Zincwhacker Do It For You
They all turned reverently to Zincwhacker, who was hastily patting on a rubber glove that he might he prepared for the handshaking. Suddenly a scream from Einna was heard, "Oh, get a block, quick! Get a block for Zincwhacker to stand on. He is not up to my level." When this serious matter was attended to, order was once again regained, as it was seen to the satisfaction of all that the great Seer was thoroughly blocked on both ends,
"Pardon, your Reverence," said C.A. Jinrickey, "but have you forgotten that the hour is at hand for the unveiling of your statue in the holy of holies of the supreme temple on Mars? You and Einna are the special guests of honor and are expected to be present."
"What, another statue? Ah, yes, of course," said the Seer. "It is indeed the auspicious hour, Einna, assemble the faithful, that they may take the dust of our feet ere we depart."
The Eggbeaters were soon gathered at the feet of their leaders, though not without some few delays when Potson was caught furtively hiding a shank of beef under his coat, and Marry Gunnysack Hootchner had lost the jeweled dog-collar givens her by Pharaoh, while the several gentlemen in black became entangled in their petticoats and sprawled promiscuously about the deck.
"It will be a manvantara before we meet again," announced Einna, "until then, farewell."
"And where shall that meeting be?" enquired one of the Eggbeaters.
"On Tarantula," was the answer.
"Tarantula?" queried the Eggbeater, wonderingly.
"Yes, a new planet not yet formed. But if thou lookest close thou wilt see where it is to be. There you will once again be kings and queens, for your exile will end with earth. Concentrate!"
All turned their gaze upward toward the spot in the sky indicated by their leader. "Oh!" screamed Merrie Hoots, who had just caught sight of Roarington, "He is there, my soul mate, my lord, my master!" and she fell swooning into the arms of Marry Gunnysack Hootchner, who, hastily scanning the beauty columns of the "Evening Post," exclaimed, "Yes, but I saw him first."
"Ye Gods," rejoined Solace Heavens Daily, "it is not thus on Sirius. Let us don our asbestos shirts and hie us thence."
"Yes, we must away," said Trebmemac, "may the Sacred Bean Vines ever thrive."
"And the Cheese Tree ever be fruitful." responded Regrubmil. "Farewell!"
"Farewell, Farewell," came from all.
Ztnarkredeil, towering above them, said impressively, "Be silent, ere we part, and let us feel." And so they felt, and as they were wrapped in holy feels, a tall dark-bearded man, wearing a Persian hat, appeared from the hold of the ship. Fire flashed from his eye, but before he had a chance to open his mouth, Zincwhacker, sensing his presence, cried out, "Einna, my beloved Sin Twister, have a care! This insect is once more casting his shadow across our path. Dost thou not remember when in the royal palace on the moon, this creature disturbed our rest and peace, and how night after night we shook the royal sheets, and how at last we squashed him with the royal seal? Dost thou not remember, my Sister?"
"No-o-o, my brother," said Einna, doubtfully, "but it must be so, for whatever you say, I endorse." She turned to rally the Eggbeaters, but found that the Rats in the Yeast were dancing madly around a young neophyte to protect him from the adverse vibrations.
At this moment a Machiavellian laugh rang out over the black waters, followed by a blinding flash of lightning and frightful peals of thunder. The winds whistled like the hissing of fiends, the ship careened madly, unholy sounnds came from the masthead. Strange, weird lights blazed in the sky. The Eggbeaters, stricken to the heart with terror, gathered at the feet of Zincwhacker, who raised his hand above them in protection.
"Doctor Pokes of the Cricket!" exclaimed Einna, striding forward. Then out of the darkness and the terror her voice resounded, rallying the hosts of the scrambling Eggbeaters. "Lo, I am with you, my children; fear not; I shall desert you never. Think you it was for naught that I led the hosts of Lemuria against the foe? Strike with me and let us annihilate this agent of the Lords of the Eeaf Krad. Quit ye like Eggbeaters, be strong!"
With majestic sweep she turned to her followers, but to late! At the sound of the unholy doctor's name, they had all fallen overboard.
Peace be to all Fishes!
[[DAWN, Vol. 2 - No. 7, November 1, 1922]]
-----------------------------------
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Back to Top]
Theosophy World:
Dedicated to the Theosophical Philosophy and its Practical Application
