Theos-Talk Archives (June 2002 Message tt00186)

> NEWS FLASH - This Just in!!!
>
>
> REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT
>
> Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles 
from
> Mexican Border
> San Antonio, Texas(Reuters)
>
> Unwilling to wait for their eventual 
indictments, the
> 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies 
made a
> break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican
> border, plundering towns and villages along the 
way,
> and writing the entire rampage off as a 
marketing
> expense.
>
> "They came into my home, made me pay for my own 
TV,
> then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel 
Sanchez
> of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right 
in front
> of my daughters."
>
> Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief 
executives
> were first spotted last night along the Rio 
Grande
> River near Quemado, where they bought each of 
the
> town's 320 residents by borrowing against 
pension fund
> gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had
> arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 
960, and
> declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal 
second
> quarter.
>
> This morning, the outlaws bought the city of 
Waco,
> transferred its underperforming areas to a 
private
> partnership, and sent a bill to California for 
$4.5
> billion.
>
> Law enforcement officials and disgruntled 
shareholders
> riding posse were noticeably frustrated.
>
> "First of all, they're very hard to find 
because they
> always stand behind their numbers, and the 
numbers
> keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean 
Levitt. "And
> every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the
> shareholders!', they refer us to investor 
relations.
> I've been on the phone all morning."
>
> "YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
>
> The pursuers said they have had some success, 
however,
> by preying on a common executive weakness. 
"Last night
> we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of 
our
> female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. 
Border
> Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like 
moths to
> a flame."
>
> Also, teams of agents have been using 
high-powered
> listening devices to scan the plains for 
telltale
> sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we 
just
> hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their 
tails,"
> said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up 
someone
> saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on 
that.'"
>
> Among former and current CEOs apprehended with 
this
> method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar,
> Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph 
Nacchio
> of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, 
and
> every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone 
Systems'
> Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were 
not
> allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have 
already
> been indicted.
>
> So far, about 50 chief executives have been 
captured,
> including Martha Stewart, who was detained 
south of El
> Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire 
fence at
> the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. 
"She
> would have gotten away, but she was stopping 
motorists
> to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she 
could make
> edible snowman place settings, using the cut 
pieces of
> wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer
> Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, 
because
> the morning sun really adds texture to the 
stucco
> walls."
>
> While some stragglers are believed to have
> successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said 
the
> bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up 
at the
> Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place 
at the
> airport," she said. "They're rotating all the 
tires
> on the minivans and accounting for each change 
as a
> sales event."


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