Theos-Talk Archives (August 1998 Message tt00266)

Aug 16th 1998

Dear Rilke:

Your answer and illustration of the use of unconditioned love as a cure --
and your marvelous dedication and persistence is magnificent.

I was happy to read what you have posted, and believe that as a practical
psychologist you did a wonderful thing.

Best wishes,

Dallas

> Date: Saturday, August 15, 1998 6:04 PM
> From: "Kym Smith" <kymsmith@micron.net>
> Subject: Re: theos-talk-digest V1 #375

>Jerry wrote:
>
>>My adopted daughter has absolutely no conscience.
>>She has never, that we know of, felt regret, shame, guilt, or remorse.
>>Her reaction to being caught doing something wrong is anger. She is
>>not a lot of fun to live with, and all the research indicates that she
will
>>never develop a conscience at this late state (she is now 13).
>
>This last year it came to be that I had to take in my sister (at the time,
>16) who, by all appearances, exhibited the same reactions your daughter
>does - only anger.  She was completely out of control and my mother
>couldn't cope.  Since I am not a parent, I had no clue what to do.  It
>seemed, at times, hopeless.
>
>There were instances where I had to simply pin my sister down on the floor
>and yell in her face repeatedly "I love you.  I love you.  I love you."
>Often, I was met with spittle in my face.  But I continually told her that
>my love for her would not allow me to let her continue to react in a way
>that threatened to hurt her and that her pain really was my pain, too.
>
>One night, after about eight months of following her around, fighting with
>her, dealing with constant curfew violations, and her telling me that she
>"hated me," she silently walked in to my bedroom, turned on the light, (a
>thought flashed through my mind that she might be planning on killing me),
>stood for a couple seconds (which seemed like a lifetime), and then simply
>said "I love you, too."  And she walked away.  Today, she is a different
>person, or so it appears.
>
>This is not to say that I take credit, for, ultimately, it was her decision
>alone to change - not mine.  She deserves full recognition for that.  But
>my point is - it was believed by all those around her that she wouldn't and
>couldn't change, that she was hopeless.  And she was well past the age you
>cite as being able to develop any conscience.  And I admit, it could have
>gone the other way.
>
>My heart breaks for your daughter, for she will be the one who truly pays
>the price of her behavior.  And I do not believe, at this young age, that
>her behavior is entirely her fault - and that, too, is heartwrenching, for
>she was denied or somehow missed what all children should have -
>unconditional love.
>
>Please don't give up on her - she can change - there is hope, Jerry.  There
>really is.  It's not over yet.  She may have a specialness hidden inside
>her that once revealed will stun all those around her.  There is a reason
>she was "given" to your family.  I cannot imagine that the only reason
>would be to simply drive all of you insane - which something like this can
do.
>
>I do not mean to insult you in any way - I am just sharing what I have
>recently discovered about children who are seen as 'hopeless.'  Maybe it's
>my "idealism" going bonkers again, but I don't believe there is anybody who
>is hopeless.  Your daughter senses your thoughts that she is "not a lot of
>fun to live with" and that can only serve to further concrete her anger.
>
>And I know all this is much easier said than done - but I could not keep
>quiet on this issue.  Your child is worth all your mighty effort - and your
>effort will not, ultimately, go "unrewarded."  Your daughter is special in
>her difference and as valuable to the world as a any "good" child.  If she
>believes and you believe, love will manifest itself.  Love sees and knows
>all - a platitude, yes, but a true one.
>
>I send forth thoughts of the greatest Love to you, Jerry, your family and
>to your daughter.  I have faith that you can do it, Jerry, and I have faith
>that your daughter can develop into a wonderful person.
>
>
>Kym
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