Theos-Talk Archives (August 1998 Message tt00261)

Jerry wrote:

>My adopted daughter has absolutely no conscience.
>She has never, that we know of, felt regret, shame, guilt, or remorse.
>Her reaction to being caught doing something wrong is anger. She is
>not a lot of fun to live with, and all the research indicates that she will
>never develop a conscience at this late state (she is now 13).

This last year it came to be that I had to take in my sister (at the time,
16) who, by all appearances, exhibited the same reactions your daughter
does - only anger.  She was completely out of control and my mother
couldn't cope.  Since I am not a parent, I had no clue what to do.  It
seemed, at times, hopeless.

There were instances where I had to simply pin my sister down on the floor
and yell in her face repeatedly "I love you.  I love you.  I love you."
Often, I was met with spittle in my face.  But I continually told her that
my love for her would not allow me to let her continue to react in a way
that threatened to hurt her and that her pain really was my pain, too.

One night, after about eight months of following her around, fighting with
her, dealing with constant curfew violations, and her telling me that she
"hated me," she silently walked in to my bedroom, turned on the light, (a
thought flashed through my mind that she might be planning on killing me),
stood for a couple seconds (which seemed like a lifetime), and then simply
said "I love you, too."  And she walked away.  Today, she is a different
person, or so it appears.

This is not to say that I take credit, for, ultimately, it was her decision
alone to change - not mine.  She deserves full recognition for that.  But
my point is - it was believed by all those around her that she wouldn't and
couldn't change, that she was hopeless.  And she was well past the age you
cite as being able to develop any conscience.  And I admit, it could have
gone the other way.

My heart breaks for your daughter, for she will be the one who truly pays
the price of her behavior.  And I do not believe, at this young age, that
her behavior is entirely her fault - and that, too, is heartwrenching, for
she was denied or somehow missed what all children should have -
unconditional love.

Please don't give up on her - she can change - there is hope, Jerry.  There
really is.  It's not over yet.  She may have a specialness hidden inside
her that once revealed will stun all those around her.  There is a reason
she was "given" to your family.  I cannot imagine that the only reason
would be to simply drive all of you insane - which something like this can do.

I do not mean to insult you in any way - I am just sharing what I have
recently discovered about children who are seen as 'hopeless.'  Maybe it's
my "idealism" going bonkers again, but I don't believe there is anybody who
is hopeless.  Your daughter senses your thoughts that she is "not a lot of
fun to live with" and that can only serve to further concrete her anger.

And I know all this is much easier said than done - but I could not keep
quiet on this issue.  Your child is worth all your mighty effort - and your
effort will not, ultimately, go "unrewarded."  Your daughter is special in
her difference and as valuable to the world as a any "good" child.  If she
believes and you believe, love will manifest itself.  Love sees and knows
all - a platitude, yes, but a true one.

I send forth thoughts of the greatest Love to you, Jerry, your family and
to your daughter.  I have faith that you can do it, Jerry, and I have faith
that your daughter can develop into a wonderful person.


Kym